Abbey in the Philippines: Sister Abbey Hafen // Week Sixteen // "What the flame, it's October"

So to begin the recap of this last week, we had a brownout at 2AM. no power. (haha, usually referred to a 'blackout' but they say brown out here) Remember those times that the AC wouldn't work in our house in the summer, or at night, and we thought it was the worst thing ever?

... that would have been HEAVEN compared to what I experienced Monday night. Oh my gosh. This was the title of my journal entry Tuesday Morning- "Last night was the worst night of my life."

Some may think I am being dramatic, but I honestly thought that was the end- I had made it almost four months here on the mission, but that the end was coming. I was going to die. Goodbye Philippines, goodbye Family, goodbye everything here on planet earth. The end was very near. Haha, DRAMA (thats what people say here if you are being dramatic. they say "ahh drama ka!" Really though, I have honestly NEVER sweat that much in my entire life. But all is well, I am still alive. :)

This week was so great I can't even explain. Every day was so awesome. I honestly am so happy here. I love my investigators. I love my companion. I love my roommates. I love my mission president and his wife. And I love being in the Philippines. I love wearing a skirt and chacos every day. I love letting my hair air dry and dabbing on mascara. I love studying and I love improving on the language. I love that I am learning so much and that I am becoming so much more familiar with My Savior and His Atonement.

We have been teaching a lot about the Sabbath Day this week. One thing that we studied in CS (comp study) is what the benefits are of attending church. Of course we should attend because it is a commandment, but God is so loving that he gives us bonuses too- blessings. In all reality, we should just go because it’s a commandment and we need to obey God's commandments. But he blesses us because he loves us. Some of the benefits we studied and talked about was receiving revelation at church. I had a lot of time to reflect on all the times I received answers to my prayers when I attended church. At times I felt like why the crap do I need to go to church, "I’m already good." (ew I hate that i thought that). But this week i realized how often my answers to prayers come through PEOPLE.

.. Heavenly Father knows that so often, I block out the spirit. I question the spirit, I wonder if that's really the spirit, blah blah. He knows that I am still learning to rely on the spirit and learn how it speaks to me. But. Heavenly Father KNOWS that if he puts a PERSON in my life, that I will listen every time. He knows that if I'm waiting for an answer, he can answer me through a person. I honestly have a testimony of that, and it's being proven here on the mission. I have been so blessed with the people put in my life, answering questions to my prayers left and right.

One thing I have noticed this week is how much the people here love the missionaries. Even the less actives who haven’t been in months, or years. At first they seem a little offish when we first visit, but after a visit or two, or even sometimes the first time we show up, when they say the prayer they go on and on about how grateful they are that the missionaries decided to come visit THEM at THEIR home. It is so cool. It's been hard for me to recognize the weight of my calling as a missionary because really, who am I to bring people unto Salvation? I am a 19 year old girl who has never left the US, grew up in Santa Clara Utah, have never known very much about the gospel, I didn't grow up speaking this language, I have a hard time yielding to the spirit, and I don't know all the answers. But. it's so crazy how the spirit works and how it works in the hearts of people. It really is true that the language of the spirit is for everyone- all languages and countries, cultures and nationalities. Gah. it's just been so humbling hearing people thank us over and over and being so grateful that we visit.

It's been kind of sad lately because Sister Acoba and I are pretty sure we will not be companions after this cycle. We have been having such a good time together, and honestly, I love her so much. She is so Christ-like and I have learned so much from her- but still have sooo much to learn. We have 2 weeks left, Transfer Meeting is the 23rd. I told her I was nervous to have another companion, and ah. I just really have come to love her so much.

There have been so many lessons this week that I lead, that I was nervous for, or that the person we were going to teach was hard-hearted, or whatever the dumb excuse in my brain was, that ended up so beautiful. I really do not understand how and why I doubt the spirit. We were teaching one lady, and it really just felt like the most awkward lesson. I wanted to die and I just felt so insecure. I was praying so hard for the spirit and then I thought of a question. I asked how can we come closer to Christ. She paused and i thought great. She's not going to answer. She then expounded and really gave a beautiful insight and the spirit was there. It ended up being a really beautiful lesson. I honestly am so grateful for the spirit. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THE SPIRIT. I need it so badly, especially with the language, especially with my lame doubtful self.... I really am so grateful for the spirit.

Another family we teach, the mom doesn’t come to church because of an issue with her calling. At first when we visited, she literally wouldn't look at us. it was pretty much the worst feeling in the world. talking to someone and they are staring at the side wall. Anyway, as we have continued visiting, she has really softened up. This last week, she was talking so much of the time and honestly her heart is changing. It's so incredible to see how people change when they start doing the small things in their life and begin to get back in the groove of gospel habits. Ah. So beautiful!

There was a baptism on Saturday for someone in our zone, and the water shut off that morning. Sooo.. no water for the font. We went to a river and it was so cool. "baptism sa ilog" (baptism in the river). How cool it was. Ah. Neat experience for sure.

Man. Things are great. I am nervous for the upcoming cycles, but i realize that I do much better when i just live one day at a time. I pray and dedicate myself fully to ONE day at a time. When I hit the sack each night, I wonder how in the world i will be able to get up the next morning. And then when the alarm goes off at 6:30, I wonder how in the world I will be able to make it through the whole day. But it's crazy- it just happens and its the best thing ever.

....Sometimes I have these internal battles, as I'm pretty sure every missionary does. I mean, I had these battles before the mission, but it was easy to brush them off and keep doing whatever I wanted, no one was relying on me and I had everything i needed. Sometimes I think what the crap, why did I come on a mission. Did I come out on a mission for the right reasons? Do I really know that this church is true? What if I learn something that shakes my testimony? Yeah, I've thought all of that crap over the past 3 or so months. And i have learned so many of my weaknesses. I have learned that before the mission, sadly I think I was only converted to the organization of the church, the programs, etc. And now that i am here, I realize those are all just things. Really great things, but just things. they are NOT the root of the gospel. The root of the gospel is our Savior Jesus Christ, and the power of His atonement to help us and to save us. The root of the gospel is that we have a loving heavenly father, who restored his gospel so that we may have pure doctrine to learn from and apply to our lives here on the earth, so that we may return to Him. The root of this gospel is theBook of Mormon and its testament of Jesus Christ. The root is NOT the young women program. or wonderful fast and testimony meetings. youth conference or institute classes. or any of that. Those are just incredible BLESSINGS that can HELP us understand and gain a testimony of the ROOT of the gospel.

The root is much bigger, much deeper, and so much more important. I am learning so much out here and am SO grateful for this opportunity <----- that sentence sounds SO cliché, and I am kind of barfing that is sounds so corny but really, I mean it. I am so happy that Heavenly Father trusted me and let me come. I know I should have prepared so much more and sometimes I kick myself for that. But guess what, there’s nothing I can do about that. All I can do, is start where I'm at. Which may be a lot lower than other missionaries. But that’s the only place I can start. I know I can be a good missionary, and I know that who the Lord calls he qualifies. But I also know that if you didn't put in the work before, you can't expect the talent now. I've been able to relate a lot of things to my violin study. I wasn't able to develop that talent by deciding one day to attend music camp for a week. I practiced every day. EVERY DAY. And i sounded really bad for a long time. I cried a lot. I felt stupid a lot. I yelled at my mom and I swore sometimes under my breath. I would sleep on the couch while my mom was out exercising and then when she came in the garage I'd jump up and play some scales. Adults would tell me that wow, i had a gift even when I was little. I had good and bad performances as a little girl, some so bad that I even ran off the stage crying one time, and another time completely forgot the piece and only played the last line in an audition just 2 years ago. But, other times I NAILED the performance. Other times I won awards and took first place. Some occasions, I beat everyone else and even was able to pay for all my schooling because of my talent. Some performances, gospel truths were testified to me and I the spirit work through me. Sometimes people wrote me letters thanking me and other times I brought myself out of deep personal struggles by playing and letting everything out through music.

All of that TOOK TIME. I put in the work and the reaped the rewards. i worked hard. I had good days and bad days. But now, because of the work I have put in, I can play whenever someone asks me. I can let the spirit flow through me more easily because I don't have to worry about the logistics. I can just relax and PLAY.

... this is all the same as missionary work. It will get to a point that I can completely relax and teach. i won't have to worry about the language. But along the way, I'm going to have some of those "run off the stage crying" performances. But still as an amateur, I will have success.

Honestly, I can't believe the blessings I receive her. I know this email is so long and barf, I hope you all aren't dead on the other side, or are banging your head against the computer screen thinking I haven't learned to shut up yet. I am sorry. But just know that i am happy. I am learning. And I love being here. It's hard of course, I won't say every second of every day is just great, but I can say that every moment here is worth it.

With so much love,

Sister Abbey Hafen

ps- I haven't really said much about the language, because in all reality, I just don't want to jynx it. Haha. Is that so horrible? So again, I will go another week without saying anything about the language. :)

pps- I love making people laugh. don't worry, I am still funny over here in the philps.

ppps-sometimes I cry laughing so hard at the district clips (you RM's who watched these know what I am talking about. some key words: German, "yeah, he uh.. broke it.", etc.)

pppppppps- we came to Cauauyan last night at midnight because my roommate sis suay threw up 30 +times in a row ( I was keeping a running total until it really wasn't that funny anymore) and got back to our apartment at 3am. She stayed overnight and we are here again visiting her. all is well, she'll get released tomorrow.